DO I REALLY HAVE TO BE STUPID?

I don't know why you're glaring at me as though I'm supposed to be handing you boxes of red velvet cake and a handful of apologies for being absent. Just so you know, I was kidnapped and it was horrible being away from you! But hey, I'M HERE NOW!! *expecting cat calls and bear hugs*

Moving on without stopping to say how much I've missed you guys... *winks*

If I were to get married right now, I doubt that I'd be expecting/scared of "ex boos" as long as half of my bridal train to walk through the door when the priest asks that "who has any reason why they shouldn't get married and bla bla bla..." question. So maybe those people who count EX's in dozens might ask me to keep quiet but...its my blog anyway.

With the much I have experienced in relationships and friendships coupled with my personal values, I think I have come to be very sensitive towards what people say to each other in those heated moments during arguments or fights. I have learned that different people have different red zones and you cannot from the outside, know how much damage you'd cause just cuz your last ex didn't mind being called "a bitch". I am yet to understand how some extremely vulgar names symbolize endearment. I mean I can't even call my female dog that despite the fact that technically, she's just that.

I have seen couples whose arguments cannot possibly be free of phrases like "fuck you", "you're stupid", "Foolish man. Is it because I love you?" Umm...why are you even in love with a fool? Does calling your partner " a stupid idiot" really explain why you'd rather have him take out the garbage thrice in a week rather than weekly? Does calling the mother of your kid "a nasty bitch" tell her why you insist of having a fruit salad every night despite the fact that she just chopped her muscles into pieces to be home in good time to prepare dinner? What is it about calling people names that makes us feel as though our argument or opinion when verbalized would lack clarity without all that vulgarity? I have these two friends who are in a relationship and always lash out at each other in a manner that quite frankly, no longer surprises me. What still surprises me is the all mushy display of affection that follows up when things settle. Biko nu explain how this works to me.

I am of the opinion that love in its fullness cannot be extricated from respect and there are just some things you wouldn't say to a person you respect. Perhaps you could think them cuz you are mad and vulnerable to wild emotions but love and respect are what make you pause and filter your words because once hurtful words step into your threshold, you may not be able to control their effects. The effects they have on the other individual may open doors for insecurity, distrust, lower self esteem, despair and may even trigger the kind of defensive behavior that will lead to reciprocating with verbal or physical abuse.

I have a lot of respect for friends and couples who have heated arguments whilst restricting abusive words to a barest minimum. I do not recall the last time I insulted a friend or partner, especially to their face. And it has made me place higher value on relationships with people in my life; like what we share isn't petty and based on scars from negative words. I'm not saying I haven't thought those things but would saying them solve the problem on ground? I must also add that it increases the respect and love the other individual has for you. We all, in some way, respond positively to love and respect when its given to us consistently.

I'd also add that if you are someone who's predisposed to using vulgar language when you're joking (we all know those people who'd always say "I was joking oo" each time they spit acidic words at others), you may have to learn to curtail it so that it doesn't always pop up when you're truly mad and also be sensitive to the people you find around you. Some people are are not used to being called "thief" or "ode" as a joke. When you are in your circle and if y'all are accustomed to those kinda jokes then perhaps,some of these things can be let to slide. We must also be tolerant, bearing in mind that not everybody has a positive understanding of how these things work. We can try to teach people this things but ultimately, it is unhealthy for you and that relationship if one party just cannot let go of abusiveness. However, with all individuals, boundaries must be set.

I am also preaching to myself because I understand that we all have weak moments and yes, some people are verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry annoying and it can be maddening. I have friends with whom I go all out and crazy with but when it boils down to it, we know when to get reasonable. And yes, I have stopped being friends with people who wouldn't learn to respect those verbal boundaries despite all the time and patience I spent on them. Let's be civil and let's let love be love and stop tainting its definition with the things we say to the people we supposedly love.
Do I really have to be called stupid before you can drive hope your point?

P.S- Some people really are can be stupid and blablabla but do we really have to be the ones to break the sad news to them?

On a lighter note, I didn't know "virgin" had become an abusive term until I saw these two babes having a quarrel and one went like "See this stupid girl oo. What do you know about life? Virgin! Virgin ooo!" Na wa ooo. E no get wetin I no go hear.

Ehen!!! I didn't get kidnapped by dem big boys oo. I was referring to work and all those real life issues with hands and legs everywhere. Thanks guys for being here.

xoxo,
Nma Nazzy

BOWEN HARAM

I have been thinking of a more dramatic way to start this post but I think the tale itself is laced with enough drama. I am still shocked that what took place within the last 24 hrs was even a possibility. History was made today when the students of a missionary private university in Nigeria, Bowen University, Iwo, rioted and destroyed property in the school premises. Stories are better heard from the horse’s mouth right? Well, I am the horse because I am a student of the university.

Last night at about 9pm, I was happily chewing on my chocolate parago at a friend’s fiancée’s party when I heard from someone that boys were rioting at their hostels. Before we could wrap our heads around that, there was news of broken windows, car windshields, furniture etc. The group of students moved the demonstration to the main campus where most of the girls reside and began the demolition of shops and merchandise. Come and see free drinks ooo. Some girls all rushed out to witness it all while the rest who were locked in their hostels contributed with screams and songs like “solidarity for ever…” Classrooms and labs were also broken into and vandalized. All the cars and buildings at the administrative block were also vandalized. Eventually, at almost midnight, the cops were called to calm the situation down which they did with tear gas. However, the situation was not totally put to rest since there was still some unrest even up to 3am.

From all I have gathered, the students seem fed up with all the old and ‘new’ rules and according to them, unnecessary constraints associated with the new government. Lately, these university students have been made to adopt a feeding timetable that conflicts with their class schedules, thus adversely affecting their nutrition. I suppose a hungry man is an angry man. They have also been made to compulsorily take food flasks to cafeterias if food would be sold to them. All the previously existing rules seemed to be stiffened. Yesterday, news sprouted about new rules which included that all students should leave the hostels by 8am and return by 4pm, whether or not they have classes. Meanwhile the cafeterias must not accommodate them unless it’s their ‘mealtime’. Where are these students supposed to stay? Under the sun? Another rumor also came up about a suspected increment in the school fees. “What happened to the #540,000+?” they asked. I also heard one about ‘D’, ‘E’ and ‘F’ grades all amounting to a carry-over. In short, I’d say the explosion was caused by stored up anger and frustration on the part of the students. The students have complained of a whole lot of unfavorable conditions and treatments all to no avail. They probably just needed the additional lack of light and water for 4 days to trigger it.

As early as 6am, all students trooped out to the main campus to feed their eyes as well as negotiate with the school authority on the release of some students who were arrested as well as convey their grievances. The dialogue was unfavorable, hence, the continuation of the protest and even a little more vandalism. The students refused to stop saying that they would not back down until their peers who were arrested are released. The whole thing stretched out till about 3pm when the school management passed a memo saying that the school was to be closed down temporarily till further notice, and that all students should leave the campus effective immediately. Unfortunately, I think those students are yet to be released.

So my people, that’s how I landed in Ibadan. Honestly, I never believed that Bowenites (the generation changers) would ever gather the liver to even complain out loud let alone riot and destroy stuff. I guess the highest form of madness is born by anger. Someone may say that violence isn’t always the answer; while I agree with that, I think that the students had to prove a point and since diplomacy had failed them in times past, took the laws into their hands. We all know how youths can be. Again, while I feel that vandalism and violence are not ideal, I also think that these private schools should be responsive to the yearnings of the students and should cut down on the unnecessary rules and constraints. These students are human and are grown ass adults so while they mean to teach and discipline them, some respect would do. Feed a man till his too full and he just might puke on you.

The English don too much. Fact is, I never experience this kain tin for my life. It was really a once-in-a-lifetime experience. I don’t mean to sound like I enjoyed it all but man……it was exciting.  If I had graduated before this event, I for just dey see pix on dp, dey read am for Linda Ikeji’s blog. Good timing ey? Lol. So today, our omo mummies turned omo ghetto. One thing I can say for sure is that nobody saw this coming. Not the school, not even the students. Today was supposed to be ‘cultural day’ with suya night to make things pop. I was even supposed to open the evening service with a prayer in Igbo *pops collar* Na wa oo. The generation changers sure triggered a revolution. We hope things are put under control soon so that the students can resume and continue with their studies.

Here are some pictures that will give you a LITTLE idea of what went down at BUI today.

TaRnIsHeD

Love at first sight...
That's what he called it.
I call it blindness- temporary blindness- for in the end, he received his sight.
And then he saw me for what I really am...
What he thinks I really am.  

It was sunny and bright.
Nolan was at mama's and I was free.
Today was for me; for the 'me' I had lost.
I took a walk to the park.
The green gave me life.
The chrips were music to my ears.
The echoes of laughter were healing to my sullen state of mind.
Cold nostalgia swept over me as I walked into the arena...
That's what I call it.

Here, its an ocean of lotus and white roses.
The wind brags as my short white dress billows.
A smile works its way into my face and a moan escapes my lips...
Here, I am strengthened by the scent of purity.
Cold nostalgia washes over me as I think of Nolan and the days before him.
I immersed myself in comfort exuded from the petals..
Lost myself in the arms of mother nature.  

A shadow fell over me.
With my eyes closed, I could sense an invasion.
My haven had been troubled and my anger triggered.
I looked up to find a man staring, his mouth ajar in awe.
The pupils swirled like a whirlpool; in wonder I presume.
My anger dissipated into confusion.
Why was this creature here, looking into my soul?

That day it began.
That day passion was kindled.
That day I misunderstood.
This had to be love, in all its splendour.
When it wasn't Nolan, it was the shadow.
I opened the floodgates, and gave everything.
He was the one who would see what no other saw in me.  

Laughter filled my belly.
Poetry filled my ears.
Kisses covered my skin.
Passion blurred my vision.
In this was promise.

Tonight was for us.
As I combed through my lashes and adjusted my bow, I promised to show the last of me tonight. Nolan.
My shadow, I was sure, would see what no one saw.  

I walked into the restaurant to find him on his knee,
A ring clad with diamonds in his hand.
The strong melody of a stringed instrument bounced off the walls.
Light shone around him as darkness made a hedge around the beam.
With glistening eyes and near-exploding nerves he asked me to be his bride...
For a minute, all I could think of was Nolan.
Would he take us both?
'Yes'... I said 'yes'.
The room reverberated with claps as light ate up the darknss.
Surprises. I love them.
The world had witnessed it all.

I pulled him to a quiet corner.
"You should know something"
"What is it my love?" he asked as he kissed my face playfully.
My pulse quickened as the words clogged my throat.
I held unto faith that this would be perfect.
"I had no idea that you would propose tonight. I hoped to show you something else. Nolan. He's my son. He's a beautiful child. I..." I was interrupted by change.
He froze.
The kisses stopped and he held me still as he looked into my eyes.
It felt as though shards of ice pierced through my skin.
His touch suddenly burnt my skin.
His gaze was cold like death.
The scales fell from his eyes and he walked away.
He saw what others saw.
A tarnished woman.  

I stood there watching him and his friends talk.
Must have been about me.
I saw one shake his head and another snap his finger.
Shadow gulped down something in a glass and threw the glass on the wall.
He forbade me, Rejected me, abhorred me.
I was soiled... 'Mother of a bastard'.
His friends patted his back as he cursed the knowledge of me in regret.
A tear ran down my cheek leaving a trail of pain.
Insanity tore through me and I wailed.
I ran wildly, calling for Nolan.
Nobody cared enough to run after me.
Nolan was outside waiting for me.
I had asked a friend to hold him there.
I was supposed to bring him in after I told 'Shadow'.

I took my son in my arms and wept uncontrollably.
'Mama' he kept calling, his little hands all over my face.
They had seen a lie.
For my miracle, he saw a curse.
For my blessing, he saw a burden.
He saw everything but me;
The 'me'  worthy of love,
The 'me' he could love,
The 'me' that was true,
The 'me' he would never have.  

The ring suddenly felt like a yoke.
I pulled it off and threw it blindly into the dark night.
With it, I cast off all the pain.
I wiped my tears, kissed my son and walked away.
..............................................................................................................................................................
We live in a society that thrives on stereotypes. An unmarried pregnant woman has to be a slut. A well groomed young man is most likely gay. We are forced align our lives with often baseless beliefs which are meant to curb decadence.
We forget that in life, things are not black or white. Some things are grey and should be treated as such. I am not making excuses for people who have careless sexual relations. I am only saying that sometimes, stories and motives differ. An unwanted baby is enough consquence. The society should cease to inflict more pain on mother and child.
People have diverse beliefs and I respect that. While you do not want to marry a single mother or father, you need not hurt them to prove that.
Recently, I was having a conversation with my mum and aunts and everyone started to dissect a young unmarried woman who recently had a baby. I had to come to her rescue, not because her actions are morally upright but because she is human and makes mistakes and has probably learnt a lesson or two. Nobody sees that she may become a more responsible person, a caretaker, a fighter, a teacher, a lover and a breadwinner.

This brings me to the question a friend asked me some weeks ago.
'Who would you rather marry: a divorcee or a single parent?'
Please drop your comments and opinions below..

xoxo,
Nazzy

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL

Bad days!

They come every now and then and rob us of our plans and fantasies. It’s funny how you make plans for a wonderful tomorrow and get handed a frustrating, awful ‘today’. Today’s just like that. I try to think of all the things that could possibly make today an almost great one but all I can think of is ‘nothing’. The irony lies in the fact that I received a promotion today. Don’t even think of me as ungrateful. Just hear me out.

I woke up with a smile on my face.

Anticipation zinged through me, awakening my nerves and the butterflies in my stomach. Owl City’s awe-inspired voice filled the air; I must have slept without turning off the music. I say my prayers quickly as I cannot afford to run late today. I love my apartment; the colors, the homey atmosphere and the scent. Somehow, it just looked more beautiful this morning. I guess promotions make life more beautiful.

I went to the bathroom to turn on the shower cuz I love my bathroom well humidified before I shower. So while the shower is doing its job, I set out to make a quick breakfast. I decide on noodles and some of the grilled chicken I had in the freezer.

With the noodles on fire and the chicken in the microwave, I return to my room to select the perfect ensemble. The navy blue blazers I got on Jumia should do the trick. I just had to find the right bottoms and shoes. I had just decided on cream pants and my maroon brogues when I smelt it. My food was burnt! I quickly dashed to the kitchen and there, was my pot of noodles all black and burnt.

No! Undaunted in the face of mishap, I turn off the cooker and move the party to the sink to clean up the mess. You think you know stubborn until you try to wash heavily burnt food off a pot. I finally give up and fill the pot with water. ‘The chicken wasn’t bad’ I decided as I ate hurriedly. Time wasn’t on my side anymore.

I was rinsing out the dishes when I heard the sound of running water from the bathroom. That’s normal right? A running shower shouldn’t quite be quiet so I make a quick run to my room to get my shower cap. On getting to the bathroom, all I could see was water. The whole was flooded. Apparently, I hadn’t shut the shower cubicle and the water had sprung directly into the room. This was becoming a bad day. I got on my knees and mopped up the water. After ten minutes of wringing a mop, I got into the shower and scalded myself. I forgot ‘again’ to regulate the temp. I made my decision; ‘This was a bad day”.

After the rushed cold shower, I dressed up as quickly as possible and spent just ten minutes on my makeup. Just so you know, that’s a world record. I grab my car keys and handbag and practically run out the door. “Ashiru, where you dey? I never tell you say I no wan dey find you if I wan comot? I go reduce your salary. Abeg open gate jare” I screamed at the poor gateman who was taking a peaceful nap for lack of work to do. Someone had to partake in the bad morning right? I was almost out of the compound when Ashiru flagged me down. “What is it?” “Madam, I no fit tell you before because you been dey para but e be like say you don dey calm down…” “Ashiru talk fast!” I interrupted impatiently. “Okay ma. Your dress get stain for back. E be like paint. E no good at all”. At this point, all the fluid in my body rush to my eyes. I let the tears fall. What kind of morning was this?

I drove back in and quickly rummaged through my wardrobe to find something new…something worthy of a promotion. I found a dark green dress which I paired with cream court shoes and a briefcase. I quickly turned the contents of my bag into the box and ran wildly to my car after locking up. I had driven for ten minutes when I took a look at my dashboard. The pin of the fuel indicator (I hope that’s what it’s called) was oscillating towards the ‘E’. I was practically out of fuel. I shook my head frantically. I had to believe what had left would take me to work. For Pete’s sake, it had to. I started chanting what I hoped was a prayer. As soon as my office building was in view, I worked up a smile. Things were starting to look up. I hoped aloud that the meeting would not have started. Just then my car jerked once, and again. I quickly pulled up to the curb before it gave up. I grabbed my briefcase and phones and started for the office- on foot! My pace had to be somewhere in between walking and running.

By the time I got to the building, it was ten freaking minutes past ten. Shoot! The meeting had to have started. Imagine my relief when I was told the meeting would kick off in ten. Beads o sweat broke and ran down the sides of my face as I slumped into my chair. I got my emergency make up kit and headed to the ladies for some damage control.

The meeting went well. Thank God. I hope people were not able to see through my plastic smile. After the meeting, I was fed up and angry. This supposedly great day was just plain annoying. I was exhausted and broke down in tears. My colleagues assumed I was crying ‘tears of joy’ and started taking pictures of me; something about preserving the moment. I quickly pulled myself together and excused myself. All those pats on my back had started to feel like slaps. I got downstairs, hailed a cab and asked to be taken to a very good restaurant in Victoria Island.

So yes, that’s how I got here. I am sitting alone by the window on a table for two and have successfully ignored the waitress who came to attend to me, twice. I’m trying to caution myself and remind myself that today is not one for ingratitude when a waiter interrupts my thoughts. The girl must have sent this guy to come try his luck. So I’m now the disgruntled lady who scares waitresses. “Can I take your order ma’am?” “What kind of salads do you have” I asked still staring into space. “We have a number of them. I think you should take a look at the menu” he handed me the one he was holding even though there was one on the table before me. I scanned through it absent-mindedly. “I’ll have the liver salad” I said with a half smile as I passed it back to him. “And some red wine” I added. I sure need a drink. “Coming right up” the waiter said with a smile that implied he wasn’t going to let my stone cold expression deter him. I sent him a cold glance that had him running along.

“Given your mood, I’d say you should change that order. A liver salad will leave you in worse shape” Whose this one? Why can’t people mind their businesses? I turned ready to dash out the poison on the tip of my tongue when I saw him. Calm washed over me. It was a handsome face clad in a navy blue suit and a breath-taking smile. His eyes were light brown in color and twinkled (that has to be the word). His lips mouthed something I believe would be ‘hello’. And then he moved… He moved and sat on the chair opposite mine. He was tall and dashing. He made me forget. I had been trying to feel better for hours but in less than one minute, this stranger had made me forget… Forget that I was angry and was having the worst work day ever. I had forgotten that the earth is constantly in motion because right now, everything was still and blurry except him.

I snapped back into reality as he tapped my hand. “Are you alright? I could take my leave if you’d rather be left alone.” “No…Umm…you should sit right there. I’m just fine” I was admiring his haircut. “Okay then. That’s a good start.” He said with a smile. For the first time after I woke up, I smiled genuinely. I had seen many things and had felt so much today but for a split second, it felt as though the earth stood still…as though everything was just great so yes, that’s a good start.

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I hope you smiled at some point.

xoxo,

Nazzy