Sunday, June 30, 2013


Do you think being all grown gives you exclusive rights to being angry or feeling like peeling someone's skin off her face? Do you think these cute babies sometimes don't wish that we could sometimes catwalk into pit latrines and stay there till 9Ja starts having 24-hr power supply (una sabi say that time still far, no be small)?  

I hear people say babies are spirits... dunno how that works but these sweet beings are pretty sensitive and despite their inability to say 'hey, you are really pissing me off', I think they actually get pissed. This one's especially dedicated to naija mums.
P.S-All I had to do to think this up was to think like a think like a Nigeria baby which i was. My point is that this came naturally...from experience.
Here are some things that i think get babies super pissed.

1) Doing 'the face' when they throw up:
This one's for the aunts. You know those 'between-saliva-and-vomit' things that babies throw up frequently, dunno what they are called but you know what i mean. Mums don't really mind but we aunts always screw up our faces and i bet those babies would be saying 'see her ugly face. I go dey here when you go dey suck your pikin nose....abi na eww go comot the catarrh'.  

2) Forcing them to eat by pinching their noses and holding 'em like that:
Abeg this act is plain brutal. Every proper 9ja person should be able to relate to this esp ibos and yorubas. This is what i call operation 'swallow or choke'..and ofcourse the poor kids go swallow naa. .hu wan die? Funny enuf, na when they wan give the pikin akamu (pap), this method they always show. Put yourself in their little shoes; you no go vex?  

3) Putting a single thread on their heads when they have hiccups:
Na the ibo mumsis they do this one pass. Instead of doing something tangible to ease the discomfort from the hiccups, they expect a single tiny rope to work the magic. I dunno if this really works but hell, if you were a baby and it didn't work, you'd be freaking cross cuz those hiccups are so annoying. Trust me!  

4) Going to shoprite with your baby tied to your back with a wrapper:
Una dey like think say na only una dey like baff up when shopping time don reach. Haba mana! While other babies are 'tushly' tucked into prams and baby carriers, some mums deem it fit to 'back' their babies with Ankara. These lil people can tolerate that SHIT in balogun market but shoprite is the limit. Don't you know other babies will be calling your baby razz eh? And you'll be saying 'hey, this Tata is pointing at you, oya greet your friend' meanwhile na point and kill oda pikins dey do your pikin.  

5) Changing their diapers in public places:
This one can be gross on all levels. Recently, i saw a woman sit on the ground outside the church to wipe her baby's ass and change her diapers. I no say dem be pikins but every ass deserves some respect and privacy jare. This lady was hanging the baby's bum so high in the air during the ass-wiping process that you'd think she was dedicating the ass to a deity. Abeg, babies too dey get crushes so stop embarrassing your daughter by showing that her cute crush with one tooth(who she prolly likes cuz all his feeding bottles have BEN 10 on the'em) her cute bum.
Seriously, Nigerian women should really check this one.  

Now, i know we can barely remember things we felt when we were babies but i can assure you that you were damn right pissed if you experienced any of this. Still lmao... Have a lovely Sunday!

Saturday, June 29, 2013


Trying to stop yourself from getting a writer's block can be no easy sometimes. This is one of those times. It's funny how i get a thousand and one ideas on stuff to write about and lose inspiration almost immediately. It's like your thoughts are leading you on and desert you once they've aroused the inclination to respond to the emotions seeking expression. SLY BCH!!   So on this day, i was sitting in the chapel  and it hit me like TAKE A SHIT** This write up has been in the anal section of my creative system and it's hi-time it got out of my system. So while you think I'm writing, I'm simply taking a poop.... well, a metaphorical poop. Now, this doesn't mean that what I'm writing is shitty or crappy. You'll understand my drift as you read on.
Oya ooo, for people wey dey form say dem  no dey SHIT or for those wey dey talk 'eww' for everything plus including their own name, this might seem alil  ewwy at first but it really isn't.  

Honest people will admit that taking a poop is one of the most relieving activities ever. Ofcourse you won't understand if you've never had to lock 'it' in for a couple of hours for some reason. It is a totally horrible experience..the discomfort, the pain, the heightened self consciousness and ofcourse the extra effort made not to laugh hard so that 'you don't unleash the dragon'. Now that's a real pain in the ass. Now, this doesn't apply to just residual waste from all the junk you eat. It's quite broader than that.  

Many people carry around a wealth of ideas, concepts, dreams, ambitions etc with either no means or will to let them out. Thoughts are thought to be expressed. Dreams are dreamt to be realised. Every pregnant woman seeks delivery. Carrying these talents and graces about and keeping them bottled up is as hazardous as carrying about a shitload of by-products. People have different excuses for not expressing themselves or for keeping talents locked up and many of them are justified, but is that really the answer? I remember an incident in which i was so pressed (as in to wee wee)... My people, that day water pass garri ooh. Nazzy wey dey form say na she sabi etiquettes of womanhood pass con start to dey beg say make dem use motor block am make she piss for road. And if one more second had passed, i would have "LET IT RAIN".  

So my point is stop holding it all in. Your gifts are no secrets. Tell your stories, recite your poems, sing your songs, spell out your imagination, evangelise the proceeds of your matter how crappy they are. You might prolly get a couple of sneers and boos but it the end, you'll be relieved and you would have learned howta make it better the next time. Whatever the barrier is, strain every nerve you've got to push thru.

When the flowers are tended, they are a garden but when they are not, they are simply a bush. TAKE A SHIT!

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Pictureless Posts :(

Technology can be so annoying. I have a couple of write-ups in my draft folder but thanks to my tab, All those posts might just be bland. The very unfortunate reason is that my virtual memory is low. What the hell is a virtual memory???  At this point I'm beginning to think I should have listened more in those computer classes.

I wouldn't have cared less about this virtual memory thing but it's stopping me from uploading pictures to my blog and a new blog with no 'zing' is bad market ooh. A blog should be reader-friendly right? I googled the solutions to this problem but i couldn't  really decipher the long story. So pls can anyone tell me what to do in a layman's language?.

For now, I might have to post a couple without any pictures. After all, no be picture dey determine if wetin you write go make sense or not. So y'all should sit back and wait 4 the TRIBE WARS coming soon.

So I hope everyone's having a fab week...