Sunday, November 17, 2013

TALES OF A LOVELESS LOVER: Episode 1

Ignore the title; I have love in my life. Well, technically, I don’t but who likes to admit that? I’m a pretty, short, smart 20 year old girl without a boyfriend and with a huge vivid picture of what love should be. Thanks to novels and movies. When people ask when last I had a boyfriend, it’s pretty hard to say never. So I count all the close-to-relationship relationships I’ve had and give it to them. Clever isn’t it? I hate the weird how-can-you-be-20-and-have-no-boyfriend-look.

At first, I didn’t care about love and boys. I had my books, movies, friends and well, I had boys. I wasn’t really interested in any but I liked having them around. I didn’t need them to commit because then I didn’t have to. This package was even better because I could have about 4 or 5 boys on hold who are obliged to call me every day and send cute texts, so I’m as good as a girl with a boyfriend(s). I never had to feel lonely cuz I had these boys and my crazy, lame, weird friends.

It wouldn’t be complete if I didn’t tell you about this. I am a Christian and I do take that part of my life seriously. That’s kinda one of the reasons for which I remained single. I felt that inasmuch as it isn’t a sin to date, one should have a level of spiritual understanding. That’s my opinion again. Also, when it comes to boys, I have this ego the size of Texas. I usually have limits cuz I hate when boys take me for granted or feel like I’m easily accessible. I used to think being so close to people made you vulnerable to them and I hated that. So when things started to get serious, there was always a reason to break it up. The thing is I just wasn’t ready for the whole relationship drama.

Well, now I am. I’m in my last year in the university and I think I’m all set. What’s life without the verb ‘living’? I know you don’t plan stuff like this but I like to think I could handle it all. It’s time to stop being the hopeless romantic with no romance in her life. So to all the boys out there, I’m ready to eat your hearts out.

By the way, my name is Dee… and I’m the most amazing person you’ll ever meet.

Now that you know me, I’ll just go straight to my thoughts. Every peer of mine thinks I have a problem and I dunno why. It high time I showed them otherwise so I’ll document all my journeys on all roads that lead to love. That brings me to my mum. Did I forget to say I’m Nigerian? Well, that means I have a Nigerian mum and we all know what that means… Drama!
Lately, my childhood friends and family friends have been getting married and as we all know, weddings can be exciting. However, in my case every wedding invite that gets to my house is accompanied by a lecture from my mum concerning the benefits of an early marriage. She might be totally right but for crying out loud, I’m just 20. Some of my mates are still in secondary school- the dumb ones. Each time she starts on me, I remind her that she never wanted to hear anything about a boyfriend and now she expects me to bring home husband material after my BSc. Am I supposed to meet some random dude on the streets and bring him home? Mothers are simply two-edged creatures… That explains why we love and hate them as well. For what it’s worth, my Ma is the world’s best.

Today at 2pm:
My phone rings and I let it ring once before I pick up. Who wants to seem desperate yeah? “Hello, what’s up”, I asked rather indifferently. “Hey babe, where are you? Are you busy at the moment? Can I see you? Come to the pizza inn right now. Did you hear me?”. “Jimi, you didn’t call me to ask a bunch of rhetorical questions, did you? Here’s your answer: I can’t come over. I’m with a friend, Damiete, you know him right? We are at Shevy’s getting lunch. I might have to see you next time. Besides, the pizza inn is on the other side of school; I can’t trek that distance”, I answered somewhat irritated. “Dee, that excuse is kinda lame. I’ll come over to Peter’s hall. It’s closer to Shevy’s so you can come see me there”, he retorted in his regular arrogant tone. “I’m sorry; I can’t just leave a friend hanging. I’ll see you later. Take care”, in-a-matter-of-fact but relatively polite tone. “Bye then”. I caught the call with a hiss as long as a cow’s tail. “what was that about?”, Damiete asked with laugh. “Mtchew. Na Jimi jor. The dude is just rude and arrogant. Why does he always feel like he can push anyone around? I didn’t ask him to ask me out or come after me. I’m just trying to be polite so you guys don’t start saying ‘Dee has done it again’” I answered angrily. “You guys are just funny. Just take it easy. You with all your girl power talks eh. Shey you go slap am ni?” he joked. I laughed. “Slap na understatement”.

Let me introduce the two new people. Jimi is a mistake. I call him that because that’s what he is to me. I met him on a very bad day and he went out of his way to help me. As we girls would always think, ‘there was a knight in shining attitude’- we have come to know that there is actually no armor. I appreciated him by having a crush on him and unfortunately for me, he liked me too. As we spent more time together, I saw more of his self-absorbed, arrogant and impatient nature. So much for the first impression I had. I’m glad I’m not one of the girls who say yes because he makes her tummy tingle because I would have been in deep shit. I’m just going to let him go as easily as I can.

On the other hand, Damiete is an incredible guy. I have known him since I was 10 and I have no regrets. He’s the kind of friend who tells me how ugly I look when my girlfriends are too scared to tell me that my hair is hideous. I always tell him he brings out the animal in me… the crazy, lame, weird, funny, smart, nice me. Everyone needs a friend like this. And yes, he’s part of the people who believe I’m on my way to being the weird, single old lady with a dozen cats on her front porch.

I have a strong dislike for arrogance. Don’t tell me I have too many rules. If I thought I could cope with that trait, Jimi most certainly changed my mind. The dude had the guts to tell me he would stop loving me if it got into my head and that of all the pretty girls who are after him, he chose me. One time when he had to wait for me for about 10 minutes, he kept ranting for almost 3 hours till I walked out on him. I think about guys like this and what they call love and I happily reach for my pillow and smile as I fall asleep thinking ‘being alone is a gift’.

The consequence of being an ass is that people like me refuse to take your calls or return them and that is what Jimi got. He has actually apologized or so he thinks. How else can I explain a box of chocolates saying ‘You miss me, don’t you?’ or a huge stuffed puppy tagged with a card saying “I’m as innocent as this puppy and you know it”. Did I just hear you say ‘really’ because that was the exact word I said when I saw his so called apologies. As if the horrible but cute gifts weren't enough, he sent his short ugly friend called Dayo to come apologize on his behalf. The excuse of a friend started making passes at me and telling me how this friend was trying to snatch me from him with all those expensive gifts. Just then, I had an epiphany and so I dutifully turned on my sound recorder. To my advantage, the errand boy started going on about how he will make me happier than his friend and how he’d never be as rude and impolite as his friend. I told him I had heard all he said and would get back to him. I immediately sent Jimi a message via whatsapp saying he shouldn't send me any errand boys since they did no good. The message was accompanied by the recorded dialogue. The next day, I heard Dayo lost a tooth to Jimi. I couldn’t care less.
I spoke to Jimi two days before my birthday and told him I would appreciate it if he gave me a couple of days to myself- that I was tired of his conducts. He promised to give me some space and I’m relieved. I don’t know why I believed him.

On my birthday:
I’m in my room with my friends eating cakes and chocolates and marshmallows and dancing to Skelewu and Khona when two girls who I had never seen before came in with parcels in their hands. “Yayyy! You’ve got to be kidding me! Dee has a secret admirer. It only gets better. See skelewu things”, Sally screamed as she took the parcels from the girls and laid them on my bed. My room reverberated with cat calls and exaggerated ‘oohs’ and ‘ahhs’. The cake was huge and said ‘For My Dee’ and it had a tag that said “You are a year older, you should forgive me”. In the other bag were a pair of Salvatore Ferragamo pumps and a huge box of chocolates. This guy sucked at apologizing verbally or in print but his pockets did know how to say sorry. I hate to say so but I loved the gifts and it didn’t mean I had to love the man. And for the records, that was no apology.
You heard me mention Sally right? She’s my roommate, who is a box full of everything you want and don’t want. She is a witty young girl a few years younger than I am who I take as a baby sister. Luckily for her, she gets the nice, working class boyfriends but ends up scaring them away with her yelling fits. At some points, I had to scold her for being too rude to the poor guys. Don’t let me scare you, she really isn’t that bad.

The next month, my girlfriends and I plan a weekend outing to Lagos. Thanks to some bird with a vocal cord, Jimi found out and made plans to butt in on our plans. He secretly follows our trails and lodges in the same hotel as us. “Dee, I think I saw Jimi outside. I don’t know how possible that is. Did you tell him about this weekend”, Mary, my friend and course mate asked keenly. “Am I mad?” “Calm down. I was just asking a simple question”, she replied with a shrug. “No dey ask that kind question. You of all people should know that the last person I’d let in on our plan is Jimi”, I retorted. We dropped the issue till we were making dance videos and downing glasses of skyy infusion and ceres when our doorbell rang. Sally looked through the peephole. “It’s Jimi. How come?” she asked with surprise. Mary gave me the I-told-you-so look and I scowled at her. “Jimi go back to where you are coming from and don’t try me cuz I’ll call security. Respect yourself and leave us alone”, I screamed through the door. Surprisingly, he left without a word. I got a call several minutes later. “Dee, I do not appreciate you insulting me before your girlfriends. I put up with all of your bullshit just because I don’t want to break your freaking heart. This is me trying to love you. Can’t you see that this is who I am? I can’t change for you or anyone. Deal with it”, he said in a precise tone. “Jimi I guess we have nothing to talk about then. Just leave me be”. I hung up. My friends encouraged me by calling him all sorts of names and we went back to dancing.

The next day, my friends and I go by the poolside and met Jimi’s crew already sitting. I suddenly got angry at the whole scenario and decided to go over and give him a piece of my mind, once and for all. I go over to the bar and get a glass of magic moments mixed with coke; I needed the heat and chocolaty zing.  I sashay up to them with most eyes on me. “You know what Jimi. I do not appreciate your butting in on my plans and always acting like I’m some possession of yours. I do not remember agreeing to be your girlfriend so all this crap has to end. I try my best to avoid you and it is very intentional”, I said in a tone void of any emotions. He looked at me and for the first time, I could see shame but not remorse. In the bid to regain his grounds, he politely asked me to leave when I was done so that he could watch my cute ass as I walked away. I angrily emptied my glass on his white shirt and asked him to leave me the hell alone. Talk about drama! The people at the pool cheer at me and I send my friends a wink and wear my favorite cocky grin as I swaggered back to meet my friends.

Halfway to where my friends were, I slip and fall into the deep end of the pool. I do not know how to swim so like in the movies, death flashes into my mind, fear grips me and in split seconds, I think of all my regrets and achievements. Just then, I feel strong hands gripping my waist. Did death snatch people by the waists? Was dying this dramatic? Then I found myself on the pavement with some handsome dude hovering over me in the bid to resuscitate me. I should have stayed down till he gave me a mouth to mouth- a kiss would have wiped out the sting of embarrassment I now started to feel. I still wore a frown till I heard him say “That’s what you get for breaking a man’s heart in the face of the world”.



stay tuned for episode 2.
This is my first attempt at posting a fictional work so please, drop your comments
xoxo,
Nazzy